2 months later

Hello blog-o-sphere! What have I to write about today?

The weather is wonderful, pure spring, but I am dealing with more feelings of lowness. But I think I am getting better at allowing myself permission to have these low times, to breathe through them, think, listen to myself, and understand. Certainly, I am scared of the future and the uncertainty of a temp job and being behind on the rent. I still need to write letters to my departments about my current situation, while gearing up to go back to school relatively soon. God knows, it would be so easy to break down, move out, and end up back in Auburn. Part of my wants that; part of me wants the comfort of home, not having to worry about food or where I'll sleep, laundry and the like. There are puppies there for me to play with.
-But on the other hand, that's not what I want in the long run. Going home won't be good for me, not for an extended period of time. I've made a life here, and although it's been several years of just going through the motions, it's been time for me.
-I do think I need a visit home though, if just a few days. I'm lonely for family, and would like to see everyone. I think it would be good for me for to take a little vacation.
-I'm a bit lonely for companionship too, here in Albs. I tend to be a loner and spend lots of time at home when I'm not working. It usually suits me fine, but there are times I'd like someone to come home to. At the same time though, I like my space, despite the fact that I'm not always a self-starter. True, having someone around tends to be a motivator to get out of bed and keep things clean, but I don't want to do that out of guilt anymore, because my subconscious tells me I "have to". No, I want to get out of bed in the morning because I want to, because I want to live.
-It's easy to hide when things are hard, and I do that a lot. But I won't let myself become guilty over that. Sometimes I need to hide. And I always come back out.
-I don't know how true it is that women are thinkers more than doers (generalizations, I've come to find, don't really apply well, despite the fact that I and so many others do them. But I am realizing them more when they come and when others use them, and doing my best to not use them). But, I can see how that might apply to me in some ways. And that workshop on Imposter Syndrome last Wednesday gave me a lot to think about, and I've found it so relevant and have been thinking of it and applying it to myself a lot lately. Sure, other people look like they have it all together, and I compare myself to them. that's natural. But there's also nothing wrong with me as I am now. I am complete, I am sufficient, I am enough. Besides, even if you have it all together, nothing guarantees it will stay that way, nor does it even guarantee that you are healthy. We are all human, we all struggle in one way or another, and we all manage to get by. And when times are tough, we have each other and we have our communities (like church).
-So, I will keep at it, living day to day. There will still be things that I avoid, things I rush last minute to do. Some things won't work out, and others will. But I will work on accepting myself more as who I am, and nothing less.
-I like to think of my future self, and will reach out to her more. I think I'd like to do yoga and shiva nata. there are moments in the morning when I first get up where I breathe, stretch, and feel my body. I have a potential date with Ben, and we will see where that leads. Although I hope to someday have a dog or two, I don't know for sure that I'll be married. I don't know for sure that I'll ever completely understand life, what I am supposed to be here for, or even that I'll be happy and content.
But for now, I am here. And that is what counts.

Amen.

That time when Librariann Takes Time Off

No, not from blogging - not that I've been on here at all in 7 months, but that's besides the point. No, I am taking time off from my MSIS/MA degree. Spring 2012 will be spent in Albany, working somehow, somewhere, and when I am ready, I'll get back into it.

I think I need this time. Trying to play catch up with school, having all that baggage, while also dealing with depression and an abusive home life just wasn't working. I need to put myself first.

I am not sure where I'll end up working, if I end up working at all (it's still a tough economy to find any type of job in). But, I'm going to give it a shot. And maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to blog a bit along the way. So here's to change in 2012, and hopefully more personal growth, healing, and moving forward.

Namaste

Starting off

Hello everyone,

I am a newcomer to the field of information science/librarianship. A friend from my MSIS program passed along the news of this project, and it sounded like a great way to get some ideas for moving my career along, as well as for connecting with fellow professionals in the field.

When I say I am a newbie, I mean VERY new - my degree is still in progress. I've had a bit of experience in a variety of library settings though, and have begun attending conferences (my first national one was SLA just last week). I am also pursuing a Master's in History and am hoping to use the two degrees in some combination in my future work (this is assuming that I maintain my sanity in the process!)

I've blogged for personal purposes before, but never is a professional sense. I am looking forward to this project, to reading other blogs, and hopefully meeting some new folks. If there are any other students out there, I'd love to chat!

~Librariann